Well after feeling really down last weekend I appear to find myself in a more positive frame of mind again. So what’s behind this renewed optimism, I hear you ask. A combination of a number of things
I managed to get a couple of hours of “Kirsty time” on Monday and made the most of it. I’m getting a little bit more proficient with my make up now and managed to get it down to less than half an hour for the first time. Not only that, but I think I probably got the most even application of eyeliner so far despite the breathtaking speed with which it was applied – I did closely watch my wife applying her own eyeliner the previous day so I think I got a few pointers. I tried different combinations of shoes, dress and opaque tights than I had done before and was pretty pleased with the results. As usual I took a few more photos which are up on my Flickr page.
I thought that for a change from just still photos I would try taking a video of myself, and maybe post me saying hello on to Flickr. Bad move. That voice needs work. I’m trying as best I can to find my voice as Kirsty, but still sound either just like my male self or else like the hopeless trannies in Little Britain. So the videos that I took will remain unpublished.
It was great just being Kirsty again for a few hours and as always, it engenders a feeling of all being right with the world. I can’t explain why this is the case, maybe it’s just having some time when I don’t have to pretend. (I really will have to do that blog post about my thoughts on why I think I am this way.) The main thing is that dressing immediately lifted my mood and it hasn’t gone back down again yet.
I was looking at the Flickr photostream of an online trans* friend, and was feeling rather envious of her large variety of outfits and also of what appears to be her active femme social life. So I sent her a message saying just that, only to find out that 18 months ago she was in more or less my position, so maybe there’s hope for me. The problem for me is that I’m not in exactly the most trans-friendly location, but we cut our cloth accordingly. Of course my promise to my wife still stands – “safe” locations only and nothing that she’s not comfortable with – and I do intend to keep to that despite what daydreams may cross my mind from time to time.
As a final boost to feeling a bit better, I have engaged in a bit of eBay-based retail therapy (still not confident enough to buy female clothing in an actual bricks and mortar shop, damn these nerves). Still, I got some pretty decent bargains, including a pair of ballerina flats, a coat and hat (admittedly not sure when I’ll get to use these considering I have promised not to go walkabout en femme, but heck they were great value) and a hip-length spotty pullover which should go well with one of my old skirts.
It’s odd actually, I am completely uninterested in male clothing and tend not to buy clothes for Bob until the old ones are falling apart, but I am fascinated with clothes for Kirsty. I can spend stupid amounts of time browsing various items, trying to work out which combinations work well together, putting together outfits from different components. Or maybe it’s not that odd, maybe it’s entirely understandable for a trans person who has spent most of their life suppressing their true nature to embrace it with all their might when the female side is set free(ish).
That’s all for now, from a much happier Kirsty than last time.