In my last blog entry I talked about how excited/nervous I was at the prospect of being able to go out as Kirsty to the Butterfly Club. Their next open meeting was due to take place on Tuesday 4th March, so not very far away at all. On Friday evening I sent off an email just checking time, venue etc and then on Saturday afternoon I got a response – the meeting has been cancelled. Now it’s not the end of the world, there is another one a couple of weeks later on the 18th, but right now I’m feeling pretty deflated.
I had a good talk with my wife on Friday night about rules and boundaries of my life as Kirsty, and I have agreed that I will not be venturing out in public en femme other than at “safe” locations such as the Butterfly Club (if I ever actually get to go there). There is a big part of me that wants more than this but I know that for the sake of my family it can’t happen. Regardless of the possibility of being recognised, there are relatively few places that I would feel safe going out as Kirsty, and those places that might be safe are also places where there is a very real possibility that I will be seen by someone who knows me as “Bob”. My height would also be against me in any attempt to blend into a crowd as I am 6’2″ and taller than most men never mind women. If I were recognised and outed to all and sundry I would be very afraid that my daughters could be bullied at school or in the street. There are a lot a petty, small-minded people about. And I know that the problem lies with the transphobic person, but that doesn’t mean I want to put my kids in the line of bigoted fire. So while I am out to my wife, I must remain inside the closet to everyone else and I hate it. But I can’t change it. My desire to express my femininity is always going to lose out to my desire to be a good father and protect my children.
Sorry if this short posting is pretty negative, but it’s just a reflection of how I am feeling right now. I suppose after the enormous elation of telling my wife the truth, starting to build up a female wardrobe and experiencing the joy of presenting fully as female for the first time (and the second!), I was always going to have something of a low by comparison when reality kicked in again. But even if I do kind of understand where the feelings are coming from, it doesn’t stop them from hurting. Hopefully I will manage some “Kirsty time” at some point during the week, but even if I do I fear I may feel even worse when I have to go back to being Bob again.
So, big mood swing brought on by something as minor as a meeting being delayed by a couple of weeks? I’m more female than I thought!